If the solar system were a group chat, some planets would be Fort Knox, and others would be live-tweeting every single thing they hear. Here’s who’d spill the tea before even realizing it’s still hot.
Mercury – The Walking Megaphone
Mercury is ruled by communication, so it doesn’t just leak secrets—it delivers them express, with read receipts and follow-up commentary. Anyone who tells Mercury something might as well publish it in a newspaper.
Jupiter – The Overenthusiastic Oversharer
Jupiter doesn’t mean to snitch; it just talks too much. It’s that friend who loudly discusses private conversations in public places. Give Jupiter a secret, and it turns into a motivational speech that somehow involves philosophy and a TED Talk.
Mars – The One Who Blurts Things Out
Mars doesn’t gossip—it just lacks patience. Secrets? Those are just unannounced truths. If something juicy is happening, Mars is yelling about it before thinking twice. Probably in all caps.
Venus – The “Accidental” Gossiper
Venus only spills secrets if they’re about relationships, drama, or someone’s tragic fashion choices. It doesn’t even see it as gossip—just “necessary social commentary.”
The Ones Who Can Actually Keep a Secret
- Saturn: Would rather take secrets to the grave than betray trust. Also, too busy making to-do lists.
- Pluto: The most mysterious, possibly hiding its own secrets bigger than anything ever shared with it.
- Neptune: Would forget the secret before getting the chance to tell anyone.
The Verdict
Mercury is the worst at keeping secrets, with Jupiter and Mars tied for second place. Pluto remains the most unbothered, probably hoarding government-level classified information.
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