Welcome to the Mercury Retrograde Helpline, where nothing gets resolved, and every call mysteriously drops.
Press 1 for technical difficulties.
Expect the call to go silent right before the representative speaks. Phones glitch, Wi-Fi crashes, and auto-correct turns “Help” into “Helicopter.” The only advice given? “Try turning it off and on again. Oh wait… your power is out? Oops.”
Press 2 for relationship troubles.
An automated voice plays: “This is Mercury Retrograde. Exes are meant to stay in the past, but guess what? Here they come!” Expect ghosters to reappear, unread messages to send themselves, and heartfelt texts to go to the wrong contact. The suggested fix? “Avoid texting. And maybe just don’t leave the house.”
Press 3 for travel delays.
The hold music is the sound of a train running late, a flight getting canceled, and GPS saying, “Recalculating… recalculating… recalculating…” at an intersection. The representative simply says, “Book earlier next time. Or don’t. The universe decides.”
Press 4 for lost items.
“Keys? Missing. Wallet? Vanished. That important email? Nowhere to be found.” The Mercury Retrograde Helpline suggests looking in the same place ten times before realizing it’s been in a pocket all along.
Press 5 for general confusion.
The line goes dead for a moment, then reconnects. “Wait… what was the question again?” The agent sighs, then transfers the call—right back to the main menu.
Final message:
“Thank you for contacting the Mercury Retrograde Helpline. We apologize for the inconvenience… but not really. Call back later, or don’t. Either way, nothing will be resolved until this retrograde ends.”
Discover everything about astrology at the Times of India, including daily horoscopes for Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces.