Astrology is already dramatic, but add an Indian mom to the mix, and suddenly, every zodiac sign has a new set of priorities—mostly involving marriage, career, and why nobody ever listens to her. Here’s how each sign’s horoscope would look under the watchful eye of the world’s most intense life coach.
Aries – The CEO of Bad Decisions
Expectation:
“A leader is born! Success will follow, and respect will be earned.”
Reality:
“Running into danger first is not leadership. Sit quietly, stop arguing, and learn to listen. No one is impressed by broken bones.”
Taurus – The Human Version of ‘Beta, Eat More’
Expectation:
“Prosperity and comfort are on the horizon.”
Reality:
“Eating and sleeping are not career goals. Get up and do something. And no, watching ‘MasterChef’ does not count as ‘learning about food.’”
Gemini – The Overbooked Talk Show Guest
Expectation:
“Charming, intelligent, and always one step ahead.”
Reality:
“Talking to twenty people at once but calling no one back? Choose a personality and stick to it. This is not a Netflix series where cliffhangers are fun.”
Cancer – The Emotional Monologue Factory
Expectation:
“Deep emotions will bring strong relationships.”
Reality:
“Crying at sentimental ads is not a personality trait. Learn to be tough—what if someone steals your lunch?”
Leo – The Star of Every Family Gathering
Expectation:
“A natural-born leader destined for greatness.”
Reality:
“How much attention is enough? The whole neighborhood knows your name, and not because of good reasons.”
Virgo – The ‘Log Kya Kahenge’ Consultant
Expectation:
“Perfection will bring rewards.”
Reality:
“Fixing everyone’s problems is not a job, and pointing out mistakes is not a love language. Learn to relax before stress becomes an inheritance.”
Libra – The Walking PR Agency
Expectation:
“Balance and harmony will follow.”
Reality:
“Always settling fights but never making decisions? Choosing between chai and coffee should not take an hour.”
Scorpio – The Suspense Thriller Protagonist
Expectation:
“Intense, passionate, and unstoppable.”
Reality:
“Why so secretive? Even the FBI talks more. Just say what’s on your mind before everyone assumes it’s something illegal.”
Sagittarius – The Travel Blogger Without a Budget
Expectation:
“Adventure and wisdom await.”
Reality:
“No job, no savings, but planning a world tour? The only trip happening is to the grocery store—on foot.”
Capricorn – The Human Work Email
Expectation:
“Hard work will lead to success.”
Reality:
“Working 24/7 is not a personality trait. Go out, make friends, and for once, do something that isn’t ‘for the future.’”
Aquarius – The ‘Rebel Without a Reason’
Expectation:
“Innovation and independence will change the world.”
Reality:
“Questioning everything is not intelligence. Not everything is a conspiracy. Just do what needs to be done without a TED Talk.”
Pisces – The Daydreaming Philosopher
Expectation:
“Creativity and kindness will bring joy.”
Reality:
“Lost in thought again? Wake up before life becomes a ‘before’ scene in a motivational ad.”
Discover everything about astrology at the Times of India, including daily horoscopes for Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces.
