Imagine Mercury putting on a leather jacket, flipping off gravity, and driving backward down a cosmic highway while blasting breakup songs. That’s Mercury retrograde. It’s the universe’s way of saying, “Let’s see how well everyone handles chaos.” Spoiler: not well.
Why Mercury Retrograde Is Basically a Soap Opera
Mercury rules communication, travel, and technology, which means it’s basically the Wi-Fi router of the solar system. Retrograde, however, is like someone tripping over the cable, spilling coffee on the modem, and then blaming the cat. Expect phone screens to crack mysteriously, emails to vanish into the void, and every text to autocorrect into something that would make Shakespeare quit writing.
During retrograde, conversations become plot twists worthy of a reality TV reunion episode. Texts come off as passive-aggressive haikus, and voicemails sound like someone’s auditioning for a true-crime documentary. Misunderstandings escalate faster than celebrity feuds, and everyone swears they “totally meant something else.”
Travel Tantrums
Trying to get anywhere during retrograde is like navigating a maze designed by a chaotic toddler. Flights get delayed, maps lead to dead ends, and car engines decide they’d rather take a sabbatical. Packing becomes a cryptic puzzle where the suitcase refuses to close unless the most important item is left behind.
Technology: The Ultimate Betrayal
Smart gadgets suddenly become dumber than a sitcom sidekick. Laptops freeze at the sight of deadlines, and phones refuse to charge unless serenaded by Gregorian chants. Social media posts accidentally get sent to the boss instead of the best friend, and online shopping carts hold entire Shakespearean tragedies of wrong orders.
First, assume nothing will work. Back up every file as if the hard drive plans on a spontaneous vacation. Double-check every message like it’s a national security threat. Apologize preemptively to everyone in the contact list. And most importantly, invest in stress balls—preferably ones that don’t explode on impact.
Mercury retrograde doesn’t care about plans, logic, or basic human decency. It’s here to wreak havoc, laugh in chaos, and leave like a dramatic diva who just threw a drink at a party. Embrace the absurdity, keep expectations low, and wait for the cosmos to fix its attitude.
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